it sits in my stomach,
a cold, hard ball of… something.

Is it anger?
If it is, it is the anger of a two-year old
who feels left out.
A two year old who feels that the law of
averages is against him,
even though he has no idea what the law
of averages even is.
I think it’s one part anger

Or is it jealousy?
Could I be jealous that I am not the chosen one,
not the exhaulted one?
This timy sphere might be a manifestation of my need
to be picked first.
Am I looking to be worshiped like a god? The be-all, end-all?
I think it’s one part jealousy.

Or is it righteous indignation?
I know that I have proven myself over and over
again to no avail.
I have shown time and time again that I can
face the challenge.
I’ve been thrown the ball and stepped up, but
I get no recognition.
I think it’s three parts righteous indignation.

Or is it frustration?
It could be that I expend so much time and energy
for so little reward.
I can see every little wheel and gear, but the
machine refuses to move.
Or is it that my gear doesn’t fit the machine,
yet I try to force it?
I think it’s two parts frustration.

One part anger, one part jealousy,
three parts righteous indignation,
and two parts frustration
make up the white hot spinning ball
that is in the pit of my stomach waiting
to be flushed from my system.