Archive for February, 1995

I move closer, closer.
if I give myself up to you, what will be left?
how can I be me
if I give a part of my soul to you?
these thoughts move
through my mind as I move closer, closer.
so instead of giving
I pull away, leaving you hanging there.
I want to express myself
but I am afraid of what will happen to my Soul.
my Soul – my protection
my Soul – my mind, my protective womb, my Citidel.
that Castle that used to be
the one place I could go to be alone
is now the one place
I cannot break myself out of. a Prison.
I sit and stare at the
bleak walls of my Fortress and wonder, ‘how long?’
how long until I can
break free of the chains that bind me in my Castle?
so I bide my time until
there is a Break in the wall. a Crack. a Rift.
So that the sun can break through
and I will be free to live again.

I look around me but what do
I see? besides my lonely self, nothing. nothing
Here for me to do but take pity on myself.
But i seem to be doing an awful lot of that
These days. and then when i have an off day
I can’t get them out of my hair. they just won’t
leave me alone.

“Get Away!” I scream at them from my safe stronghold, my
Castle. i reach out to a cold unfeeling world and shrink
Back from the touch. it’s like ice, so cold. it burns
To touch it. so here i am, nursing my burning wound,
Wondering if i can go on. hoping i might have the strength.
But thinking i probably won’t. just being here seems to
Be too painful for me.

They try to comfort me and console me. but i know their plans. i’m
Not stupid. they think i’m dumb. but i’m not so much stupid as
I am a little bit crazy. but aren’t we all? from the smartest
Man to the dumbest, there’s that spark of insanity. in some
It flickers. in others it dies out. still in others it flares up
and they’re carted off to face who knows what? living in
Their own world of dreams while reality goes by around them. Those
In their own world are the lucky ones. they don’t have to
Face the every day problems of life. they can sit back and dream
Of good things while bad things happen. it’s really like my own
Castle. the one i can shut myself up in when times go bad. but i still
Need that dose of reality per day to keep me from going completely
Over the edge. I would have been absolutely gone had it not
Been for my Rock, my Castle.